It's been a long road that I have been traveling and now finally I feel so exhausted and tired with no strength to carry on. What must I do to make it right? I cannot understand it, each time I sit somewhere with no will to carry on, I tell myself to have faith in myself and try to make it. But now it feels like there is no end in sight. It's the darkest hour of the night. I am trapped in my own being and all I need is to just stop.
Maybe I should just give it all up and move on. Maybe it isn't for me anymore. Maybe all of this was a waste, it was just me trying to run after a foolish dream. I should give up.
Perhaps I will give up. Soon.
Very soon.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
And then
Why must life be so complicated? Sometimes I wonder if it is on purpose; this charade of giving you all that you desire. It's never what you really wanted, it can never be in that shape or size or manner as you demanded. Why must there be games in life. Why must it be difficult. Why can't it be easy - just for once? Okay, maybe not easy but just simple?
Why?
Why?
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Safe Trip Home
It's been months that I wrote something.
For the longest time I have not had the urge to write. Though in these past few months I have written, got some of the biggest achievements of my career in publishing, but they were all written for someone else, by someone else, it wasn't me writing for myself.
But tonight, sitting wide awake on this cold December night, am writing for myself. After a very longtime. The words have come and they want to pour write out of me. I don't know what am writing or if I will make sense, but then how could you make sense of something which is so close to you in extreme close-up, so close that it is out of focus-you can only see the blurred big mass of color. The edges are all soft and rounded off.
In the coming few months I am going to face the biggest challenge of my life so far. The challenge to believe and take a leap of faith. Once again. I don't know if I will be able to, if it will work, if what am thinking of doing is right, if this is it, if finally am ready or if it is time.
But after a very longtime I have an ache in my bones, I have an unsettled feeling in my gut and feel the urge to just let go. I have over the past several years, so carefully preserved myself that I have mostly been afraid of getting a chink in my armor(-if it is or was an armor to begin with) and now suddenly I want to leave it behind and feel lighter and feel the wind in my hair. Is it right?
I can't remember when was the last time I felt the same. Actually I do, it was a few years ago, I did what I had to and it turned my life around -for the better and for the worse. Though in hindsight it did work itself out, everything does they say. I saw it working out too, I changed myself-hopefully for the better.
I think am ready.
For the longest time I have not had the urge to write. Though in these past few months I have written, got some of the biggest achievements of my career in publishing, but they were all written for someone else, by someone else, it wasn't me writing for myself.
But tonight, sitting wide awake on this cold December night, am writing for myself. After a very longtime. The words have come and they want to pour write out of me. I don't know what am writing or if I will make sense, but then how could you make sense of something which is so close to you in extreme close-up, so close that it is out of focus-you can only see the blurred big mass of color. The edges are all soft and rounded off.
In the coming few months I am going to face the biggest challenge of my life so far. The challenge to believe and take a leap of faith. Once again. I don't know if I will be able to, if it will work, if what am thinking of doing is right, if this is it, if finally am ready or if it is time.
But after a very longtime I have an ache in my bones, I have an unsettled feeling in my gut and feel the urge to just let go. I have over the past several years, so carefully preserved myself that I have mostly been afraid of getting a chink in my armor(-if it is or was an armor to begin with) and now suddenly I want to leave it behind and feel lighter and feel the wind in my hair. Is it right?
I can't remember when was the last time I felt the same. Actually I do, it was a few years ago, I did what I had to and it turned my life around -for the better and for the worse. Though in hindsight it did work itself out, everything does they say. I saw it working out too, I changed myself-hopefully for the better.
I think am ready.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Its Happening
I can feel it. The fangs taking their place on my flesh.
It took me a year and painful amounts of resolve to get them out and they're back again, edging closer by the day and running amok by the night.
I hope that dawn comes soon, before its too late.
Monday, April 06, 2009
Still Havn't Found What Am Looking For
It's extremely uncanny how things change, tides turn and how time comes back like clock-work.
After three years of back breaking work, constant running, meeting, talking, interviewing, chatting, partying 24X7. While I was there living it, it was all that I had ever wanted in my life. I had asked for it and got it. I never really thought it would end, atleast not soon.
But then it ended, and now I don't know what to do with myself. What do you do when you get what you want and then it passes? Do you think about what more you want? What new can you think of?
The problem is not even making something new up, the real problem is how do you deal with the fact that you had it all and then it passed?
How?
After three years of back breaking work, constant running, meeting, talking, interviewing, chatting, partying 24X7. While I was there living it, it was all that I had ever wanted in my life. I had asked for it and got it. I never really thought it would end, atleast not soon.
But then it ended, and now I don't know what to do with myself. What do you do when you get what you want and then it passes? Do you think about what more you want? What new can you think of?
The problem is not even making something new up, the real problem is how do you deal with the fact that you had it all and then it passed?
How?
Monday, January 12, 2009
In The Country Of Deceit
'Why did I do it?
Why did I enter the country of deceit?
What took me into it?
I hesitate to use the world love,
but what other word is there?
And yet, like the word "Atonement",
the word love is too simple for the complicated
emotions and responses that made me do what I had done.
Ultimately, I did it because he was who he was,
because we met.
That's all'.
Why did I enter the country of deceit?
What took me into it?
I hesitate to use the world love,
but what other word is there?
And yet, like the word "Atonement",
the word love is too simple for the complicated
emotions and responses that made me do what I had done.
Ultimately, I did it because he was who he was,
because we met.
That's all'.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Queen
"To tell you the truth...you talk in a vry queenish way...its a bit off ptting..."
I got this as a text message from some random guy in Goa, who I'd been texting for exactly 2 weeks before I decided to put a stop to the whole thing. Did it sting? Ofcourse! But it also got me thinking about me...
I have a voice which is quite unique. Its not the usual rich baritone that others of my age have. For some reason God decided to bless me with a voice which is thin like a woman's (copy of my mum's voice acutally).
Almost everytime that I speak I public I have gotten the "look". I have been made fun of, jeered, laughed at, ridiculed, irritated and sometimes admired and appreciated for my vocal capabilities.
More often than not if someone unknown was to call me, they'd think that its a woman on the other end of the line, thereby sometimes offering me the chance to get away from pesky phone calls
"Hello...am I speaking with Mr XXX?"
"Who's this?"
"Am calling from XXX Bank ma'am, I was wondering if I could talk to him about a credit card?"
"Oh..no no..he is in the shower please call after an hour"
"Oh Sure, thanks!"
...and sometimes causing great delay in me accessing important information..like from my bank account!
"...I dont think you're Mr XXX"
" I just gave you all the info about my bank account including my secret password..."
"Yes but still am not convinced"
But for everything I've never ever, even once wished I had a voice different than others. If anything I have been proud of this natural gift that I have, having defined me in many ways.
But that one sms tonight really did sting and for the first time in my life am considering trying to change my voice, begin smoking or something maybe...get in the set pattern everyone has for the world. Belong somewhere.
I think am a bit tired of fighting and ignoring all the barbs thrown at me.
Maybe its just better to be 'one of them'.
I got this as a text message from some random guy in Goa, who I'd been texting for exactly 2 weeks before I decided to put a stop to the whole thing. Did it sting? Ofcourse! But it also got me thinking about me...
I have a voice which is quite unique. Its not the usual rich baritone that others of my age have. For some reason God decided to bless me with a voice which is thin like a woman's (copy of my mum's voice acutally).
Almost everytime that I speak I public I have gotten the "look". I have been made fun of, jeered, laughed at, ridiculed, irritated and sometimes admired and appreciated for my vocal capabilities.
More often than not if someone unknown was to call me, they'd think that its a woman on the other end of the line, thereby sometimes offering me the chance to get away from pesky phone calls
"Hello...am I speaking with Mr XXX?"
"Who's this?"
"Am calling from XXX Bank ma'am, I was wondering if I could talk to him about a credit card?"
"Oh..no no..he is in the shower please call after an hour"
"Oh Sure, thanks!"
...and sometimes causing great delay in me accessing important information..like from my bank account!
"...I dont think you're Mr XXX"
" I just gave you all the info about my bank account including my secret password..."
"Yes but still am not convinced"
But for everything I've never ever, even once wished I had a voice different than others. If anything I have been proud of this natural gift that I have, having defined me in many ways.
But that one sms tonight really did sting and for the first time in my life am considering trying to change my voice, begin smoking or something maybe...get in the set pattern everyone has for the world. Belong somewhere.
I think am a bit tired of fighting and ignoring all the barbs thrown at me.
Maybe its just better to be 'one of them'.
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