Dreams

I understood.

Will it hurt? I whispered.

Will it hurt a great deal?

He lashed his tail. The air was the color of old telegraph wire.

Will it at least be quick? His scales winked yes. From somewhere smoke rolled in to cover him. Or was the smoke part of what is to come? Will it happen soon?

A small irritation in the glint from his eyes. In the world he inhabited, soon had little meaning. Once again I'd asked the wrong question. He began to undulate away.

His tongue was a thin pink whip. I had the absurd desire to touch it. Wait! How can I prepare? He swiveled the flat oval of his head toward me. I put out my hand. His tongue--why, it wasn't whiplike at all but soft and sorrowful, as though made from old silk.

I think he said, There is no preparation other than understanding. What must I understand?

Death ends things, but it can be a beginning, too.

A chance to gain back what you'd botched.
Can you even remember what that was? I tried to think backward.
It was like peering through a frosted window.

He was fading. A thought flowed over my skin like a breath.

But only if you seize the moment.

Only if-- Then he was gone.

Last night the snake came in my dreams again.

All my life I could do anything. I could do anything, really. Except the one thing I wanted.

Untitled

Did it matter, then, she asked herself, walking toward Bond Street. Did it matter that she must inevitably cease, completely. All this must go on without her. Did she resent it? Or did it not become consoling to believe that death ended absolutely? It is possible to die. It is possible to die.

White Nights

"But that I should feel any resentment against you, that I should cast a dark shadow over your bright, serene happiness!...That I should crush a single one of those delicate blooms which you will wear in your dark hair when you walk with him! Oh no- never, never! May your sky be always clear, may your dear smile be always bright and happy, and may you be for ever blessed for that moment of bliss and happiness which you gave to another lonely and grateful heart...Good Lord, only a moment of bliss? Isn't such a moment sufficient for the whole of a man's life?"

Untitled

'I love you so, because you haven't fallen in love with me.'

Change

Change. we don't like it, we fear it. But we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change, or we get left behind. It hurts to grow. Anybody who tells you it doesn't is lying. But here's the truth. sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes...oh sometimes change is good.

Sometimes...change is everything.

Message from a Zen master.

You are missing the rea life. Use more energy. Then fresh energies will flow. Just don't be a miser. Use them today; let today be complete unto itself, tomorrow will take care of itself, don't be worried about tomorrow. The worry, the anxiety, the problem, all simply show one thing: that you are not living right, that your life is not yet a celebration, a dance, a festivity. Hence, all the problems in your life.

Untitled

I say I love you, but you say you want to have freedom.

Why is freedom more important than love? Without love freedom is naked. Why can’t love live with freedom? Why is love the prison for freedom? How many people live in this prison then?

White Oleander

I could do so many things right now. I could just leave this city and write a book. Spend a year with a business tycoon and go to places he goes, meet the people he does, chronicle his life for him and the world, I could be famous in movies, I could just turn out to be a certain someone in direct marketing, I could be someone in advertising as well. There are so many things I can be right now. The possibilities have expanded. I have a choice.

A choice for the good or for the worse? I dont know. But yes a choice. SO much like a white oleander, white, pure, virginal, pretty, full of possibilities. And poisionous.

Am not quite sure which way I wanna go or what it is that I want to become eventually. Everyday opens up so many more possibilities and so many more ways of growing, being someone and doing something.

Some would say its the time of bloom after the long winter, a change of landsacpe. But to them I would only say that yes it is. I am living this too just as I have braved the dry winter. But am not sure which way to choose, the one which will make me instantly famous or the one which will make me toil some and then get me fame.

Do I want fame? The only thing I have really wanted in my life. Yes. I want to be famous. Known for my work. Known for what I do and how I do it. I have always wanted to prove my worth and this is perhaps the time when I have the opputunity to do so as well.

I can choose any one of the choices and excel in anyone. Just need to choose.

Which one, remains to be seen.

It's Time

"i suppose you are right. there isnt a reason to keep on living and feeling sorry for yourself. I have been jilted in love too and not just once. there were always more people in his life. more women and more fun it seemed, i was just a tiny speck of something which was once valuable. professionally am not going brilliantly either, am just doing a job because it is a job and thats what i am supposed to do. am I good at it? was. once upon a time. now am just a relic. i am so many things today. so many things which were, i have done my time and paid my dues, done my sadness and done my pain. at the moment am empty, devoid of everything, emotions and any hope or anything else. day is all about jsut breathing in and then exhaling in the evening, if i was to vanish tomorrow i dont think many would care or want to know. i hardly have friends, those who are, are only till a certain limit. I just want to rest. in peace. dying is the easy way out. i just dont want to do any of this anymore. and that is my reason. what does one do when one is just empty of everything else? "

May You Rest In Peace

"May you rest in peace, for a mistake such as this shall never be repeated"

Reads the peace memorial at Hiroshima Nagasaki. The world celebrates Friendship Day today, as some 60 years ago this was the day when one of the most barbaric acts in living history of mankind were being plotted. August 5th was the day when perhaps the final touches were being given to the plan, the final details being planned and the flying routes discussed. This was the day when Mr. Truman perhaps deliberated with this followers and gave the final go ahead.

Over a 1,25,000 people died in the immediated aftermath of the henious event. Every year more names are added in the list of people who have died ever since, for the effects of those nuclear explosions still echo in the nervous systems of people who survived. Maimed, disfigured, cancerous, tethering on to life somehow, these individuals have only known pain and suffering in the short life that they have.

Really, May Thier Souls Rest In Peace. For I hope a mistake such as this is not commited again.

Hotel Rwanda

"There will be no rescue, no intervention for us. We can only save ourselves. Many of you know influential people abroad, you must call these people. You must tell them what will happen to us... say goodbye. But when you say goodbye, say it as if you are reaching through the phone and holding their hand. Let them know that if they let go of that hand, you will die. We must shame them into sending help."

I am amazed at how the world just sat and watched 1,00,000 human beings being salughtered in the violence and genocide in Rwanda. How all the tales of atrocities reached homes and white houses and no one, no one even sat up and gave it even as much as an afterthought. Where did we loose our sense of resonspibility and decide that it wasn't our problem anymore. Tales of people dying becomes the headlines of newspapers we pay to read, suffering ofothers seems to be value for money for us.

Mad World

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World

And then...

"You said you loved me."
" I meant it at the time. "
" Well what was it, a viral love? Kind of a 24 hour thing?"

I

"I dont want to need you, 'cause I can't have you."

Fatso!

Thanks for the Memories

Gratitude, appreciation, giving thanks. No matter what words you use, it all means the same thing. Happy. We're supposed to be happy. Grateful for friends, family, happy just to be alive...

Whether we like it or not.

Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful is recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciate small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for things we'll never know.

At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing ...

... is reason enough to celebrate.

Desire

Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can’t have. Desire leaves us heartbroken … it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be …the people who suffer the most … are those who don’t know what they want.

Drowning On Dry Land

Disappearances happen in life, people can suddenly fade away. Lovers go missing. We open an album to discover the pictures are gone. It's unexplained, it's rare, bit it happens. We call it memory lapse, say we never saw it, any explanation but the truth.

That life is full of vanishing acts. If something that we didn't know we had disappears, do we miss it?

Disappearances happen. Pains go phantom, blood stops running, and people fade away.

There's more I have to say. So much more. But I've disappeared.

A Thousand Splendid Suns

Its very interesting, how you go on with life and the small pleasures that you used to get previously no longer appeal. What is even more interesting is the simple fact that how after going through with something’s in life and in love, the same things no longer give you any pleasure as they did before. That’s what’s been happening to me at the moment. There are those who seem to be romantically interested in me, trying hard to get my attention and I am not even remotely interested in them. Its very strange, my reactions which are so subdued, my expressions which are next to nothing.

I have been having these out of body experiences, for a while now. Life seems distant and the past even more so. I see myself somewhere from a distance, hovering above my physical self, gazing down to see me function, sometimes perfect but mostly it’s the imperfection, which catches my eye.

I don’t even know why or what or of if any of this makes any sense. Its my lunch break and I need to write something, so here this is, my post, trying to make some sense out of the current me.