Deny, Deny, Deny

What do you say to an exboyfriend who calls you up at 3:00am after some 3 years of silence.

"hello?"
"its me..."
"okay. can i sleep now?"
"its me. wake up. talk to me."
"why wud you call me at 3am and want to talk?dont you have some controlfreakconventiontogoto?"
"laughter."
"amdrunk"

I had guessed as much. In the past on several occasions while we were together, I got phone calls at weird hours of the night to talk. Speak till he fell asleep. I obliged ofcourse, in turn losing valuable hours of sleep and then facing an angry always-on-pms-dyke at work. While it was endearing and sweet and nice, I realised very soon that it couldn't go on for very long. Those nights was when I already knew this wasn't going to last very long. I was already changing and accommodating too much. The guy was obviously a drunkard and that's not counting any of the dope. But I still denied it. Deny, Deny, deny. He did look like rather good though. And who wouldn't want an affair with an almost Adonis to last for all the while that it has a chance. They are always nice and sweet to you, these vertible Gods. They kiss you, they lick you and then they kick you. The thing is you expect it a lot of times. But even then I don't think it is ever us. It’s not us. It’s them. Them and their stupid boy … penises. Penises. Penisesisies.

They didn’t tell me they had a wife. They gave absolutely no warning that they were going to break up with you.

Into You Like A Train

In general people can be categorized in one of two ways. Those who love surprises. And those who don’t. I don’t. I’ve never met a writer that enjoys a surprise. Because as writers we like to be in the know. We have to be in the know because we aren’t the kind of people that die and law suits happen. Am I rambling? I think I’m rambling. Okay. So my point actually … and I do have one. Has nothing to do with surprises or death or lawsuits or writers. My point is this whoever said what you don’t know can’t hurt you was a complete and total moron. Because for most people I know not knowing is the worst feeling in the world. Okay fine. Maybe it’s the second worst. As writers there are so many things we have to know. We have to know what it takes. We have to know how to take care of our characters. And how to take care of each one of them. Eventually we even have to figure out how to take care of ourselves. As writers we have to be in the know. But as human beings, sometimes its better to stay in the dark. Because in the dark there maybe fear… … but there’s also hope.

Touch Me

As people, as friends, as human beings we all try to do the best we can. But the world is full of unexpected twists and turns. And just when you’ve gotten the lay of the land, the ground underneath you, shifts. You lie there waiting, sitting by the window with sun light pouring in, watching the blue sky turn orange and pink and then a deep shade of inky blue. But hope doesn't arrive. The stars shine and the moon rises, the wind wraps itself around you and cries in familiar wounded voices. You can't do much but sit there and wait for the feeling to pass and wish that it would be better. Soon. It is not as much as its about the change of events in your life you are so unhappy about. It actually is about why does someone who does not deserve it, has it so good? Why? It was yours, happily ever after, it was your lifetime achievement award, it was you who was to be congratulated for having found it all, for having done it all. But no, it isn't so and from the looks of it, perhaps it never will be.

Life is so strange, when you want to live it won't let you breathe, it will take everything away and corner you in a dark alley and tell you that you cannot. And when you don't want to live anymore, when you know you cannot go on, it tells you walk. Walk even if you don't have the will or courage or the limbs to make it through the night.

We all go through this at some point in our lives, they say. The intense orgasm of pain and darkness. It is very unlike anything you would ever encounter. But then what is? We hope it gets better from here, that we will only get wiser and kinder and more forgiving. But are we really? We get bitter, we get suspicious, we get sarcastic and anything good that comes there after is questioned, is made to step up and prove it self. But prove what? That it is permanent? There is nothing permanent, we know that too. Then why bother? Really?

Nowhere Warm

Okay so sometimes even the best of us make rash decisions. Bad decisions. Decisions we pretty much know we're gonna regret the moment, the minute, especially the morning after. I mean maybe not regret, regret because at least you know we put ourselves out there. But still, something inside us decides to do a crazy thing. A thing we know that'll probably turn around and bite us in the ass. Yet, we do it anyway. What I'm saying is we reap what we sow. What comes around goes around. It's karma and any way you slice it, karma sucks. Payback's a bitch. One way or another, our karma, will lead us to face ourselves. We can look our karma in the eye or we can wait for it to sneak up on us from behind. One way or another, our karma will always find us. And the truth is as writers we have more chances than most to set the balance in our favor. No matter how hard we try, we can't escape our karma. It follows us home. I guess we can't really complain about karma. It's not unfair. It's not unexpected. It just evens the score. And even when we're about to do something we know will tempt karma to bite us in the ass � well it goes without saying - we do it anyway.

Slipping Away

All that we needed was right
The threshold is breaking tonight

Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me

Focus on everything better today
All that I needed I never could say
Hold on to people, they're slipping away
Hold on to this while it's slipping away

All that we needed tonight
Are people who love us and like
I know how it feels to need
Oh when we leave here, you'll see

Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me

Focus on everything better today
All that I needed I never could say
Hold on to people, they're slipping away
Hold on to this while it's slipping away

So long
So long

Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me

Focus on everything better today
All that I needed I never could say
Hold on to people that slipping away

Wait

A lot of things happened together, I could not breathe for exactly 1 minute and 12 seconds, life blurred and then I had that familiar feeling of pain. Heart Break to be precise. Is it possible to have the same feeling again ever? I didn’t know till today. I had thought that the part where you say that this is over and done with actually means that much. Apparently it does not. These moments come back to haunt you, to remind you that you too are capable of feeling the same pain. Okay, let me rephrase that you are “Still” capable of feeling the same kind of pain. That it is not over yet. That it will remain for a while still. That while everything else may melt away and you may not remember it, pain will stay with you. Just as real and sharp as the day when you got it the first time.

Somewhere along the line I lost it. The idea that you could be whole ever again, but then I had also lost the realization that it is important to be a certain whole being. I thought it was okay that you could be this half being; this half walking talking and crying person or thing and that was enough and okay. That you could perhaps make do with it. But apparently not. It isn’t enough to be the wronged one. It isn’t even enough to be the wronged one and seek revenge. I sought revenge, went after it with all that I had in me. Love pushes you over they say, it begins that change in you which lets you blossom and bloom. They don’t know that love can turn you vicious. That it can kill and mutilate and that it hurts you more than you can hurt the other person. It was much too late by the time I knew how it was going to be. To late to make amends. To late to undo. To late to realize that love couldn’t conquer all. That it will haunt you for the rest of your life. Whatever life I have lived till date.

“does love exist?”

“…. Perhaps for you it does”

lyrics - sheryl crow

It Had To Be You

i grow, to become an adult, if i must.
i too do not care to be alone.
unprecedented, it is not, i know.

i do too that looking at the glass so objectively.
i am aware of the
sprouts wielding its tendrils up and up and up inch by inch
year after year. for, sometime ago the sad image turned
and metamorphosed.

every strike at the hand of the clock i mature.

yesterday, dear, i learned to use a watch.
the bald teacher talked of
it in school. but i used it for a purpose, yesterday.
and calculators
do not leave my side these days.

so like an imprinted duckling i walk forth
by killing that spirit god of doodling
i grow, to become an adult, if i must.

it is ironic. times when i was to study i did not,
imbibing turnspikes
after another giving wet hedges a light brush to
sprinkle the dust of water
upon myself, and while avoiding the tall snake lying on the road,
made love to life.

with weed up my throat i gurgle. it is just
as i thought
a greeting card persona non grata there
on the wooden floor
of the basketball court lies my childhood

Inadequate

It's hot and you're making my palms sweat.
I hate you and I never want to see you again.
Because you can't just stand here and give me an
identity crisis like this, you hear me?
I don't care what's true and what's not. Leave me
alone and turn off the light.
In the dark it is easy to pretend that the truth is
what it ought to be.

I can feel the sweat dripping down my skin.
Only, it's not my skin anymore.
Now I'm confused.
That's why I warned you not to bring changes and empty
out the past.
Because you created the past and now you've emptied
out yourself, and spilled doubt everywhere.
That's why you have to get out.

I'm jumping out of my skin here, and now you're
telling me it's not my skin?
I don't understand any past other than the one you
gave me.
I'm simple. I don't understand choices and options and
what could have been.
I only know what was. And now you've destroyed it.

Listen

Fresh starts. Thanks to the calendar, they happen every year. Just set your watch to January. Put your past behind you and start over. it’s hard to resist the chance of a new beginning. A chance to put the problems of last year to bed.

But who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins? It’s not a day on a calendar. Not a birthday, not a new year. It’s an event, big or small, something that changes us. Ideally it gives us hope. A new way of living and looking at the world. Letting go of old habits, old memories. What’s important is that we never stop believing that we can have a new beginning. But it’s also important to remember that amid all the crap are a few things really worth holding on to.

This Used To Be My Playground

After careful consideration and many sleepless nights, here’s what I’ve decided, There’s no such thing as a grown up. We move on, we move out, we move away from our families and form our own. But the basic insecurities, the basic fears and all those old wounds just grow up with us. And just when we think that life and circumstance have forced us to truly once and for all become an adult …

"what color underwear do you want, I'll get it when I go out shopping..."
… your mother says something like that.

We get bigger, we get taller, we get older. But for the most part, we’re still a bunch of kids.

I’ve heard it’s possible to grow up. I’ve just never met anyone who’s actually done it. Without parents to defy we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way. We whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark. We look for comfort where we can find it. And we hope. Against all logic. Against all experience. Like children, we never give up hope.

Mediocrity

its difficult to write poetry
on a afternoon
grey and dull
darkness falling
like a furry moth( tough its not 4 o clock yet)
enveloping me
in a sort of suffocating vacuity
an aching nothingness
of having to accept
that ur mediocre
ive tried my best from keeping it from you
tried my best
to piece together
short staccato sentences
with pregnant gaps
and jagged edges
like a grey winter afternoon
struggling to hold on
to its weak light
because its not 4oclock yet
an empty passionless poet at twenty six
tried my best
so you wouldn't know, but perhaps
you already know that i cant anymore
that one cant have writers block forever
that its just a defense mechanism
that i am
only a mediocre person
terrified of my own mediocrity....

Not Ready To Make Nice

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

Return of the Rain

Its so strange the way things happen in life, the strangest are the ways you meet new people. Everything has a reason, some people come into your life just for a little bit and then leave and you forget about them, for they have fulfilled the purpose they were there for. There have been so many in life that are no longer with me, my time with them ended I suppose, and today when I look back I can't even recall why they were with me.

These few days am increasingly being reminded of someone, scenes and I feel as if I am there again, in between of the cursing, the fight and that humiliation. It still is capable of bringing tears to my eyes, still has the power to make me feel the same kind of hurt and pain that was there when I was in the middle of it. I wonder why, is it because I have not made peace with it yet? Don't know, I know am not angry or have a grudge or anything of that sort. But still it has stayed with me..maybe am wounded beyond repair.

Some would think again, its the sadistic pleasure I gain out of remembering all of it again. But I dont know why, it just feels that these memories are a part of me somehow and I can't seem to forget them. I had not thought about it for so long and today its here again. With me.

No More Drama

Many people tell me that I like wallowing in my own misery, that I like to live and re-live my own pain. Perhaps! But tell me when that is all that you've got left, when that is the very thing which is somehow manages to hold you together, when there is no help in sight, what else are you supposed to do?

There is a light at the end of every tunnel. Guess so, only it seems at the moment that my tunnel is a bit too long for me to handle.

Runaway Love

Its been 2 long years for me to reconcile, reinvent and reconstruct. But well, the karma perhaps, it hasn't yet materialised. Tired, out of shape and out of breath with the endless chasing of all those impossible dreams; on the verge of losing my excuse for un-success, for un-immortality, for un-greatness; on the brink of tumbling into the human world of dissolved hopes and fading lights, I have no choice but to step out into the thin night air.

I've had an eventful life, in my twenties and have seen some of those things which people won't believe. I guess it comes from the fact that I've always been too "intense" - so to speak. From great pain to my euphoric being, I guess if there was one thing I became or am brilliant at is masking it all. I have the greatest gift - deception. So much so that today there is no one, no - one who knows the real me, let alone understand me.

Self-desrtuctive? Perhaps, I always found so much comfort in destroying everything which was so much dear to me, so many times I've done that now I've forgotten how it may feel to have something in your life. Did I do all of that on purpose? Don't know. Everyone will have an opinion about me, but I think I did what I did each time, for I saw someone wasn't happy with something about me, so instead of focusing on what I wanted I thought what about the other person needed.

I irony is that I called it Love! My great tragedy!

Maybe Tomorrow

I have been toying with the idea lately. It seems as if I have almost even made up my mind, decided the place and figured out how it will be. But then I wonder if it is the right thing to do? If it is the right thing to do to just disappear suddenly? Its not like I have not done that before. I did and failed at that too. Miserably.

Maybe thats the price I need to pay. Maybe that is what it is, the punishment of my mistakes. To be there constantly and not know what's going to happen to me, or just keep on expecting. Waiting and wondering and constantly trying to make it.

Perhaps.

What to do

When life closes in on you, what do you do?

They say we all have to pay for our mistakes here, in this life. I am trying to undo all of them too..but nothing seems to be working out. What do I do in that circumstance?

It's just getting a bit too much to handle and I have no clue what to do. The problem being that I can't even ask anyone for any help, for what can I possibly tell them, why I need help.

Invincible

This bloody road remains a mystery
This sudden darkness fills the air
What are we waiting for?
Wont anybody help us?
What are we waiting for?
We cant afford to be innocent
Stand up and face the enemy
Its a do or die situation
We will be invincible

This shattered dream you cannot justify
Were gonna scream until were satisified
What are we running for?
Weve got the right to be angry
What are we running for?
When theres no where we can run to anymore

We cant afford to be innocent
Stand up and face the enemy
Its a do or die situation
We will be invincible
And with the power of conviction
There is no sacrifice
Its a do or die situation
We will be invincible

Wont anybody help us?
What are we running for?
When theres no where, no where we can run to anymore

We cant afford to be innocent
Stand up and face the enemy
Its a do or die situation
We will be invincible
And with the power of conviction
There is no sacrifice
Its a do or die situation
We will be invincible