Safe Trip Home

It's been months that I wrote something.

For the longest time I have not had the urge to write. Though in these past few months I have written, got some of the biggest achievements of my career in publishing, but they were all written for someone else, by someone else, it wasn't me writing for myself.

But tonight, sitting wide awake on this cold December night, am writing for myself. After a very longtime. The words have come and they want to pour write out of me. I don't know what am writing or if I will make sense, but then how could you make sense of something which is so close to you in extreme close-up, so close that it is out of focus-you can only see the blurred big mass of color. The edges are all soft and rounded off.

In the coming few months I am going to face the biggest challenge of my life so far. The challenge to believe and take a leap of faith. Once again. I don't know if I will be able to, if it will work, if what am thinking of doing is right, if this is it, if finally am ready or if it is time.

But after a very longtime I have an ache in my bones, I have an unsettled feeling in my gut and feel the urge to just let go. I have over the past several years, so carefully preserved myself that I have mostly been afraid of getting a chink in my armor(-if it is or was an armor to begin with) and now suddenly I want to leave it behind and feel lighter and feel the wind in my hair. Is it right?

I can't remember when was the last time I felt the same. Actually I do, it was a few years ago, I did what I had to and it turned my life around -for the better and for the worse. Though in hindsight it did work itself out, everything does they say. I saw it working out too, I changed myself-hopefully for the better.

I think am ready.

Its Happening

I can feel it. The fangs taking their place on my flesh.

It took me a year and painful amounts of resolve to get them out and they're back again, edging closer by the day and running amok by the night.

I hope that dawn comes soon, before its too late.

Still Havn't Found What Am Looking For

It's extremely uncanny how things change, tides turn and how time comes back like clock-work.

After three years of back breaking work, constant running, meeting, talking, interviewing, chatting, partying 24X7. While I was there living it, it was all that I had ever wanted in my life. I had asked for it and got it. I never really thought it would end, atleast not soon.

But then it ended, and now I don't know what to do with myself. What do you do when you get what you want and then it passes? Do you think about what more you want? What new can you think of?

The problem is not even making something new up, the real problem is how do you deal with the fact that you had it all and then it passed?

How?

In The Country Of Deceit

'Why did I do it?
Why did I enter the country of deceit?
What took me into it?
I hesitate to use the world love,
but what other word is there?
And yet, like the word "Atonement",
the word love is too simple for the complicated
emotions and responses that made me do what I had done.
Ultimately, I did it because he was who he was,
because we met.
That's all'.