Been long, since I wrote something
anything.
Am I worried?Not really.
Do I care to worry?No.
So, no stories, no new ideas
no fire in the belly
no passion,
the twinkle in the eyes
unless, charged by something extra-ordinary
and how often does that happen?
That one idea that kept me going
helped me live, though without money
where is it?
I haven't been consumed
possessed by something in a long time.
Had a chat with myself,
another friend;
realized I do not write at all
unless provoked,
or am in a state of constant agitation.
Am much peaceful these days
happy, as a matter of fact.
Is this the onset of creative impotence?
I do not know.
What I know
is whenever the new story, idea, character
has to happen, will happen
naturally.
I can't force it
I can't orchestrate
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
Déjà Vu
When I look back at my life, I am always reminded of how I ran away.
Ran away from people, from friends, from work, from myself. From life.
It was the easy thing to do at the time. The Accident was easy to blame. Exboyfriend was easy to blame. The shitty job was easy to blame. Everything was easy to blame but my own self. My need to just have some peace and no shouting or cursing or physically being hit, was so great that it just tore out a piece of me. And I ran. As fast as I probably could with a few broken bones in bag.
Two, almost three years in hiding, I changed. I left behind the me I knew ever, changed from the fun loving, party person, who knew just where he wanted to be and exactly what he wanted to do -to- someone who was lost, didnt know what he wanted and was completely unsure if trying to make it back up was all worth it.
It took me a year more to finally shake my docile self and get on with life. I want to be someone now. And in doing so it all came back.
The life I had left behind just came back rushing in. With full force and as much as I tried to maintain my nonchalance and pretend I wasnt affected, I was rattled inside. To see the same faces in front of me, those who at some point knew me very well, I didnt really know what to say or do. And then there was The Girlfriend. The one person I hated the most in my life, but could never hurt, so I hurt myself. Thinking maybe that will make Him realise how it was for me. But the day was just plain painful.
I didnt like to be standing infront of the happy family, pretending to be busy with work and making cute puppy faces at the little boy. For some odd reason it made me realise all that I lost.
Today, there are a few who like me for me, tell me that there will be more. That there is always more. But I know I could never do it again. Even if I really wanted to and some part of me wants to.
I gave all of me once and I lost. And now there is precious little left.
Ran away from people, from friends, from work, from myself. From life.
It was the easy thing to do at the time. The Accident was easy to blame. Exboyfriend was easy to blame. The shitty job was easy to blame. Everything was easy to blame but my own self. My need to just have some peace and no shouting or cursing or physically being hit, was so great that it just tore out a piece of me. And I ran. As fast as I probably could with a few broken bones in bag.
Two, almost three years in hiding, I changed. I left behind the me I knew ever, changed from the fun loving, party person, who knew just where he wanted to be and exactly what he wanted to do -to- someone who was lost, didnt know what he wanted and was completely unsure if trying to make it back up was all worth it.
It took me a year more to finally shake my docile self and get on with life. I want to be someone now. And in doing so it all came back.
The life I had left behind just came back rushing in. With full force and as much as I tried to maintain my nonchalance and pretend I wasnt affected, I was rattled inside. To see the same faces in front of me, those who at some point knew me very well, I didnt really know what to say or do. And then there was The Girlfriend. The one person I hated the most in my life, but could never hurt, so I hurt myself. Thinking maybe that will make Him realise how it was for me. But the day was just plain painful.
I didnt like to be standing infront of the happy family, pretending to be busy with work and making cute puppy faces at the little boy. For some odd reason it made me realise all that I lost.
Today, there are a few who like me for me, tell me that there will be more. That there is always more. But I know I could never do it again. Even if I really wanted to and some part of me wants to.
I gave all of me once and I lost. And now there is precious little left.
Monday, August 04, 2008
A Moment
Once there was a moment.
A moment in which a lot could have been said or done. It was the perfect time, perfect location and perfect embrace. Warm breath could be felt at the back of the neck and there was a tingling sensation which gave goosebumps all over the arms. His mind was a bit clouded and suddenly wondered is this how its supposed to feel.
He looked up at the dark face and closed eyes, still wearing spectacles. And saw him sleeping contently with their face pressed in the crook of his neck. It was just perfect, his head fitted exactly into the curve of his neck. A little morning stubble grazed the side of his cheek, and he realised that it was the stubble which was giving him goosebumps. His fingers played on the back of this other being, feeling the warm, slightly sweaty skin and muscles underneath. He must work out.
Suddenly he felt embarassed of his own flabbiness and softness and made a mental note to check out the gym at work the next day. And then just as suddenly the thought had occured to him, he felt the arms move and hug him tighter, reassuring almost that it was okay.
The sex had been good, bordering on almost being brilliant - perhaps it even was - and then he had uttered those words, as if a long after due. And he wondered if they were a result of the pent up energy which just exploded on his stomach or if he really meant it.
"listen.."
"hmmm"
"are you asleep"
"mmmhmmmm"
"..."
The answer was there. Somewhere between the sheets, looking back at him expectantly. But he didnt want to read it. Not yet.
Once there was a moment. And then it just passed.
A moment in which a lot could have been said or done. It was the perfect time, perfect location and perfect embrace. Warm breath could be felt at the back of the neck and there was a tingling sensation which gave goosebumps all over the arms. His mind was a bit clouded and suddenly wondered is this how its supposed to feel.
He looked up at the dark face and closed eyes, still wearing spectacles. And saw him sleeping contently with their face pressed in the crook of his neck. It was just perfect, his head fitted exactly into the curve of his neck. A little morning stubble grazed the side of his cheek, and he realised that it was the stubble which was giving him goosebumps. His fingers played on the back of this other being, feeling the warm, slightly sweaty skin and muscles underneath. He must work out.
Suddenly he felt embarassed of his own flabbiness and softness and made a mental note to check out the gym at work the next day. And then just as suddenly the thought had occured to him, he felt the arms move and hug him tighter, reassuring almost that it was okay.
The sex had been good, bordering on almost being brilliant - perhaps it even was - and then he had uttered those words, as if a long after due. And he wondered if they were a result of the pent up energy which just exploded on his stomach or if he really meant it.
"listen.."
"hmmm"
"are you asleep"
"mmmhmmmm"
"..."
The answer was there. Somewhere between the sheets, looking back at him expectantly. But he didnt want to read it. Not yet.
Once there was a moment. And then it just passed.
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