Pour Me Comprendre

To be able to understand me,
you would have to know what I have become.
To be able to understand me,
My life would have to be known
You will need to learn all about me to become my friend.
To be able to understand me,
It would take at least this evening
To be surprised the way one of my tender glances but,
all is lost to chance.
I know he's very small
In the arms of his mother.
Damage, damage.
I liked his face so much.
To be able to understand me
The decorations from my childhood would have to be known,
The breath of my brother who sleeps,
The resonance of my first agreements.
To be able to understand me
My nights would have to be known.
My dreams of love.
And then my long insomnia.
When comes the day,
With it the fear of facing the life.
It can be there to share with some
A happiness of which I have had my share.
Damage, damage.
I liked some landscapes so much.
To be able to understand me
It needs to be known
That I will not be able.
It would have to be liked more than me
And I will say to you
That I really do not believe in it.
To be able to understand me
It would be necessary to meet Love and meet truth.
For you to understand the great love.
Know that afterwards
All that is there will still live a day.

"I just need something to happen, I need a sign that things are going to change. I need a reason to go on. I need some hope! And in the absence of hope, I need to stay in bed a feel like I'm going to die today."

Writers are control freaks. With a pen in your hand, you feel unstoppable. There's no fear, there's no pain. You're ten-feet tall and bulletproof. And then you leave the study. And all that perfection, all that beautiful control, just falls to crap.

At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say cause there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves.

When the truth is ugly, people try to keep it hidden, because they know if revealed, the damage it will do. So they conceal it within sturdy walls or they place it behind closed doors or they obscure it with clever disguises but truth, no matter how ugly, always emerges. And someone we care about always ends up getting hurt. And someone else will revel in their pain and that's the ugliest truth of all.

I have often wondered what it must be like to be dead. If we still have the five senses working or if it is just that some of it is with you. If there is any memory left still or is it just the thot of it which is left behind. It must be a strange feeling I suppose..to see and not be seen, to hear and not be heard, to touch and not be felt.

At some point we all have to go through this, for some of us it is may be a difficult journey for some it will be easier. But whatever it is, in whichever shape or size one turns into, I think in the end its all about what you leave behind which matters the most.

The memories is all that remains.

Trust is a fragile thing. Once earned, it affords us tremendous freedom. But once trust is lost, it can be impossible to recover. Of course the truth is, we never know who we can trust. Those we're closest to can betray us, and total strangers can come to our rescue. In the end, most people decide to trust only themselves. It really is the simplest way to keep from getting burned.

Sometimes doing something is worse than doing nothing. But is doing nothing enough ever?

The Year of Magical Thinking

The truth is that it has finally happened. I have lost the will to write now. Maybe I have just accepted the fact that I wasn’t capable of writing as much as I wanted to. I tried and it just didn’t work out for me. Many of the things which haven’t worked out for me lately.

The problem I lies in the fact that I begin to believe in dreams which don’t exist. Things which have no basis begin to become the center on my world for some odd reason. A sorry state to be in I know. But is it wrong if that is what gives you happiness? Temporarily? I don’t know what permanent happiness is. or if there is a state as such as well. Maybe not.

My year of magical thinking has been a very long one. Longer still is this part which doesn’t seem to end. I think am being torn apart in being who I want to be and what I am. Dreams and hopes and aspirations are each so different now and so profound that I cannot deny them. But then too they’re all un attainable.

Setting goals was easy but it is very difficult to just stick with them. I don’t think am capable.

Easy Silence - The Long Road Home

When the calls and conversations
Accidents and accusations
Messages and misperceptions
Paralyze my mind

Buses, cars and airplanes leavin'
Burnin' fumes of gasoline and
Everyone is running and I
Come to find a refuge in the

Easy silence that you make for me
It's OK when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay

Monkeys on the barricades
Are warning us to back away
They form comissions trying to find
The next one they can crucify

And anger plays on every station
Answers only make more questions
I need something to believe in
Breathe in sanctuary in the

Easy silence that you make for me
It's OK when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quite you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay

Children lose their youth too soon
Watching war made us immune
And I've got all the world to lose
But I just want to hold on to the

Easy silence that you make for me
It's OK when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me

The easy silence that you make for me
It's OK when there's nothing more to say to me

And the peaceful quite you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay

Ruminations - Part 15

No-one likes to lose control, but for someone like me there's nothing worse. It's a sign of weakness, of not being up to the task. And still there are times when it just gets away from you. When the world stops spinning and you realize that your shiny little keyboard isn't gonna save you. No matter how hard you fight it, you fall. And it's scary as hell. Except there's an upside to free-falling. It's the chance you give your friends to catch you.

Ruminations - Part 14

We all want to live in a fantasy world. Me a little more than others. But most of our fantasies resolve when we wake, vanished to the back of our mind, but sometimes we're sure if we try hard enough - we can live the dream.

In the fantasy world everything is simple. Pleasure is good, and twice as much pleasure is better. That pain is bad, and no pain is better. But the reality is different. The reality is that pain is there to tell us something, and there's only so much pleasure we can take without getting a stomach ache. And maybe that's okay. Maybe some fantasies are only supposed to live in our dreams.

The Hanging

From BridalBeer's Blog:

""So he won't commit?" Asked Raunaq, his palm close to his chest, and an invisible gasp flew out.
"No."
"OK, then," he said, examining his nails, "Gift him a bra, and tell him to hang himself with it."

Rumination - Part 13

There are times when even the best of us have trouble with commitment, and we may be surprised at the commitments we're willing to let slip out of our grasp. Commitments are complicated. We may surprise ourselves by the commitments we're willing to make. True commitment, takes effort, and sacrifice. Which is why sometimes, we have to learn the hard way, to choose our commitments very carefully.

Umrao Jaan Ada

To say a book loses something in translation, would be an understatement in the case of Mirza Ruswa’s Urdu classic, The Courtesan of Lucknow (Umrao Jan Ada).

Here is a line from the book, one of my favorites so far:

"one ceases to long for something which one knows is out of reach..."

'Help me, brother, I'm going to be killed.'

Ah, Sunil brother, the cool and beauty of the herb garden were not enough to keep the demons from you. Again you tried to take your life. You drank rat poison and after we'd had your stomach pumped, you rang the bastard who through his tears is writing this and said, 'Hey guess what, it tasted sweet!'

Dear Sunil, we did our best to get help for you, but there was little help to be had. Although some 60,000 Bhopal survivors suffer from depression, anxiety, memory loss, panic attacks, insomnia and a host of other psychological afflictions, the government refuses to accept mental health problems as a consequence of the gas disaster. People with mental problems get no compensation or treatment, in fact they are ridiculed and dismissed. Today, in all Bhopal's hospitals, there is only one part-time psychiatric consultant.

Sunil, when you were still a child, you told a journalist that those responsible for the death and suffering in Bhopal should be hanged. Never have they even been brought to trial and in the end, the person who was hanged was you. We found you in your flat, dangling from the ceiling fan. You left a note saying that when you made the decision to end your life you were completely in your senses. You had bathed and dressed in clean clothes. You, who rarely wore t-shirts, had put one on especially for this final farewell. It said NO MORE BHOPALS.

Sunil, we take this as a message from you to the uncaring world. We think you wanted people to know how horror, illness and grief continue to ruin lives in this city, twenty-two years after the night of terror.

If you were still alive, we could tell you that on September 27, 2006 your friends all over the world will plant trees in your memory. The trees will grow and flower for you all over India, all over Asia, in Africa, in the UK, France, in USA and many other places. We are planting two trees for you: one next to the people’s museum on the disaster “Yaad – e- Haadasaa” which you inaugurated in December 2005 and one in the Sambhavna herbal garden where you volunteered, but not too near the cobra's hole.

Also we could tell you that the Sambhavna Trust Clinic will open a new mental health department with full-time counsellors and psychiatrists, so that others will never again have as little help as you had.

Sunil, you thought you were mad, but a world without justice is madder. At least you are now safe. We scattered your ashes in the flooded Narmada river, and for your funeral feast we followed your precise instructions: quarter bottle of Goa brand whisky, mutton curry from Dulare's hotel near the bus stand, betel nut, tobacco and all. Were you there with us? If not, who was it that in the darkness chuckled, 'I am no longer afraid of being killed – I am already dead and fearless.'

Please plant a tree in memory of Sunil on September 27, 2006.

I wish I had A River

Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
But it dont snow here
It stays pretty green
Im going to make a lot of money
Then Im going to quit this crazy scene
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly

!!

"I like you bitter and pissed off, you're almost like a real person now"

Umm..

"Maybe getting over someone you're in love with isn't impossible. Unless, maybe you don't actually get over it. Maybe you just learn to live with it."

Ruminations - Part 12

Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.

How do you know when how much is too much? Too much too soon. Too much information. Too much fun. Too much love. Too much to ask... And when is it all just too much to bear?

Ruminations - Part 11

I've heard that it's possible to grow up - I've just never met anyone who's actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don't go our way, we whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark, we look for comfort where we can find it, and we hope - against all logic, against all experience. Like children, we never give up hope...

The Hours

“So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And, of course, there will always be more.” “It never occurred to me it wasn’t the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment … right then.”

Round And Round

"After a long and wretched flight
That stretched from daylight into night,
Where babies wept and tempers shattered
And the plane lurched and whiskey splattered
Over my plastic food, I came
To claim my bags from Baggage Claim

Around, the carousel went around
The anxious travelers sought and found
Their bags, intact or gently battered,
But to my foolish eyes what mattered
Was a brave suitcase, red and small,
That circled round, not mine at all.

I knew that bag. It must be hers.
We hadnt met in seven years!
And as the metal plates squealed and clattered
My happy memories chimed and chattered.
An old man pulled it off the Claim.
My bags appeared: I did the same."

My So Called Life

"I know in the past I've caused you pain and I'm sorry. And I'll always be sorry until the day I die. And I hate this pen I'm holding because I should be holding you. I hate this paper under my hand because it isn't you. I even hate this letter because it's not the whole truth. Because the whole truth is so much more than a letter can even say. If you want to hate me, go ahead. If you want to burn this letter, do it. You could burn the whole world down; you could tell me to go to hell. I'd go, if you wanted me to. And I'd send you a letter from there."

The First Kiss Advice

For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch, you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep, you never to come up for air. You can't cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don't want to. Cause when you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything.

Familiarity Breeds Contempt

"Dude, you called her Ma'am, shes never going to sleep with you now."

Ruminations - Part 10

You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill, or whatever else you fancied. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true. At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale is slightly different than your dream. The castle, well it may not be a castle. And it's not so important that it's happily ever after --just that it's happy right now.

An Affair To Remember

"There must be something between us, even if it's only an ocean."

Ruminations - Part 9

At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them.

Ruminations - Part 8

Someone said that the key to surviving a life is denial. We deny that we're tired, we deny that we're scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed. And most importantly, we deny that we're in denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth right in front of our faces.

Ruminations - Part 7

There's something to be said about a glass half full. About knowing when to say when. I think it's a floating line. A barometer of need and desire. It's entirely up to the individual. And depends on what's being poured. Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times there's no such thing as enough, the glass is bottomless. And all we want, is more.

Alive Again

All alone
I must stand
Even when I'm running
And it feels
Like a dream
I need to awaken from

I believe
When it hurts
We must keep on trying
But I want
And I need
Like a river needs the rain

There's a bridge I need to burn before I leave
I just wanna breathe again
Like a summer's day I need to feel the heat again

I Only Wanna Keep The Stone From Rolling
I Only Wanna Learn To Feel The Rain
Then Maybe I Could Stop The Leaves From Falling
I Only Wanna Learn To Freeze The Flame
I Know I'll Be Alive Again
I Wanna Be Alive Again

Here's the night
Where's the stars
'Coz I need some guiding
And it cuts
Like a knife
As I watch you walk away

There's a bridge I need to burn before I leave
I just wanna to live again
Like a stormy rain i need to hear it beat again


I Only Wanna Keep The Stone From Rolling
I Only Wanna Learn To Feel The Rain
Then Maybe I Could Stop The Leaves From Falling
I Only Wanna Learn To Freeze The Flame
I Know I'll Be Alive Again


‘Coz I did my best
Baby who'd have guessed
That I've failed the test
‘Coz when love ain't blessed
And it's laid to rest
It can leave a mess

I Know I'll Be Alive Again
I Wanna Be Alive Again

Ruminations - Part 6

Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. But how do you keep from drowning in it?

Ruminations - Part 5

Intimacy is a four syllable word for, "Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy." It's both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without.I wish there were a rulebook for intimacy. Some kind of guide to tell you when you've crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming, and I don't know how you fit it on a map. You take it where you can get it, and keep it as long as you can. And as for rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something you have to define for yourself.

Ruminations - Part 4

Four hundred years ago, another well-known English guy had an opinion about being alone. John Donne. He thought we were never alone. Of course, it was fancier when he said it. "No man is an island entire unto himself." Boil down that island talk, and he just meant that all anyone needs is someone to step in and let us know we're not alone. And in my opinion that someone can have four legs. Someone to play with or run around with, or just hang out.

Ruminations - Part 3

Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more.

Diva's Part 2

Meena Kumari in the 1960 Dil Apna Aur Preet Parayi,the tragedy Queen.

Ruminations - Part 2

A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.

Ruminations - Part 1

Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know, maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.

Bhopal: Where The Dead Still Walk On Earth

THIS famous, terrible & tender picture was taken by magnum photographer Raghu Rai on the morning after the night of horror in Bhopal, on December 3, 1984, when a huge cloud of poison 500 times more toxic than cyanide spewed from a factory belonging to Union Carbide Corporation.

Thousands died in the most hideous ways. As the sun rose on streets full of corpses, Raghu found himself in a stony graveyard where a man was burying his young daughter. The father had covered the tiny body but then, unable to bear parting from her, brushed the earth away for one last look.

For the Bhopalis this picture has come to symbolise twenty-one
years of unimaginable suffering, an injustice that has never been righted,
crimes that continue to go unpunished, and a community that most of the world has forgotten.

Today in Bhopal, well over 100,000 people are still chronically sick from the effects of that night, while some 20,000 others are suffering from illnesses caused by contamination of their wells and stand-pipes
by chemicals leaking from the abandoned plant, which to this day remains derelict and full of poisons. Union Carbide and its owner Dow Chemical continue to deny responsibility for the water poisoning and refuse to clean up the factory.

Years after, while those who died look for justice and those are still alive look for a way to live, Bhopal is a city which may not sleep till a long long time.

Find out what you can do, for those who manage to live and those who died a silent and painful death here.

Diva's Part 1

Madhubala - The original Diva, who still rules many a hearts. She came much before the short dresses and fishnet stockings. Much before the high heels and larger than life bust sizes. But just look at her eyes, the expressions on her face, the arch of her brow and you will know why she is a Diva in the truest of sense!

Sushmita Sen At Koffee With Karan

Now I can't say anything more here. Just watch it.

Here It Is... Again!

Dali’s painting, Meditative Rose, shows a single vivid red rose that has beautifully fully bloomed. This rose sits in the middle of the picture and is the main focus of the painting. The color of the rose stands out so much since the background is an intense blue sky with white fluffy clouds. The rose hovers over the Spanish landscape. Yellows, oranges, and browns are used to create the scenery of the land. On one of the petals, there is a tiny drop of water just to add a realistic feature.
The variety of darker and lighter shades used in Meditative Rose shows where the light hits the rose and land. Behind the rose, Dali used the element of space for the sky to give the illusion of depth. Unity and variety are shown in Meditative Rose as the colors chosen by Dali bleed together in a way to unite the aspects of the picture as a whole. Balance is shown in Dali’s picture since the left side is equivalent to the right side. The emphasis and the focal point are on the blossomed rose placed in the center of the work of art.
Dali’s artistic style is a blend of precise realism and dreamlike fantasy, which has become his trademark. Dail often described his pictures as ‘hand-painted dream photographs’. The significance of his style is that it is unique and it is stimulating to the imagination. The style of the Meditative Rose is very similar to many of Dali’s other works. Dali uses the rose as a female sexual symbol. In the Thirties he made several paintings of woman and roses in place of or to symbolize their heads, wombs, and the female internal reproductive organs. The Meditative Rose shares a similar structure with the Portrait of Gala with the Rhinocerotic Symptoms (1954). Both paintings have the fimiliar intensely blue sky and has the rose over the Spanish landscape.
Dali’s reason for creating this work is unknown but while researching about his other paintings, the rose was used to symbolize a female sexual symbol. Maybe the meaning of this picture is of a beautiful woman hovering in the sky symbolizing Mary the mother of Jesus since he has done so many religious painting as well. The meaning could also be his wife who he adored so much. Dali’s Meditative Rose is view to be beauty but the meaning behind this beauty lies only in the heart and mind of the creator himself.
Dali instantly attracted me to this piece of work because of the bright use of colors and the vibe of beauty it gives off. It is more on the simple side of his works but at the same time it’s a little difficult to figure out what he was trying to portray when painted this. I loved this painting as it did evoke an emotional response. When I look at the Meditative Rose it puts me at ease as it flaunts its gorgeous use of colors and its beauty.